Boundaries are a vital part of our well-being. Weak boundaries can lead to insecurity, anxiety, and a sense of low self-worth. On the other hand, strong boundaries protect what is valuable to us; thereby reducing anxiety, increasing our sense of security, and reinforcing our self-worth. Boundaries are important in personal and professional settings and can set the stage for growth in both settings.
I like to think of boundaries like fences. We put fences around those things we want to protect. We put up a fence in the backyard to keep our dog in or keep the neighborhood dogs out. We put up fences around our gardens to keep out animals that would help themselves to the bounty of our garden. We put up fences around warehouses to protect the goods within. And you are more valuable than any goods within a warehouse. We put up fences in all kinds of places to protect the things that are valuable to us. There are different kinds of fences. There are chain link fences, privacy fences, picket fences, split-rail fences, and masonry fences. Some fences are more secure than others. Some have larger gaps in between the rails than others or larger holes in the wiring than others. Some fences are solid. Likewise, there are different kinds of boundaries. One thing all fencing systems and boundaries have in common is that they all have a gate. There is always a way in and out for those people and things that should be passing through.
There are three types of boundaries, porous, rigid, or healthy. Porous boundaries are boundaries that allow too much past the boundary. Rigid boundaries do not allow anything past the boundary, including those things that are okay to let inside the boundary’s circle. Healthy boundaries are those boundaries that keep out what needs to be kept out and let in what’s appropriate. There are many different areas in which we need to enforce boundaries, but the most commonly recognized are physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual, material, and time boundaries.
Setting material boundaries relates to the use of your is money and possessions. Do you give money to others to your own determent? Do you loan possessions to others when you would rather not? Do you loan money or possessions to others even when it brings hardship to you? Does your giving to others create a codependent relationship? Porous material boundaries involve overspending or over giving. Rigid material boundaries encompass being excessively guarded with one’s money or possessions. Healthy material boundaries embrace being generous without harming one’s well-being or creating a situation of codependency. Fences here keep you from being taken advantage of. I can remember times I have been in a situation I have been taken advantage of, I have even placed myself in the situation to be taken advantage of. Hey, don’t kick yourself. Just start building a new fence. Decide which type of fence is best to protect you while allowing you to remain that generous person you wish to be.
Setting boundaries for time refers to how an individual chooses to use their time. Do you set aside time for what is important to you? Do you allow others to prevent you from accomplishing important tasks? Do you allow others to determine how you spend your time? Do you spend excess time on unimportant tasks to the extent that it prevents you from involvement in important activities and tasks? Do you become involved in the tasks of others at the expense of your own tasks? Porous boundaries refer to wasting time or allowing others to waste your time. Porous time boundaries may also refer to allowing others to dictate how you spend your time. Rigid time boundaries denote inflexibility and inability to be spontaneous. Healthy time boundaries indicate managing time in such a manner that there is adequate time for those things that are important to you. Time can slip away quickly and without good boundaries that time slips by even quicker. Time is one thing we can’t get back. That’s why those fences are so important. It’s not that we don’t allow time for others or give our time to the things that matter to others. It’s not that we are selfish with our time. We simply guard our time, being good stewards of that time we have. It’s time management. So, what kind of fence best suits you to allow you to protect your time and the things that matter most to you without ignoring others or the realities of life?
Know what you are okay with and set good boundaries. It is okay to say “no”. You do not need to apologize or feel it necessary to explain yourself. When you allow another to overstep your boundary, you give that person a bit of control and in essence state that their needs and desires are more important than your own. Are not each of us important? Are you not as important as the person trying to overstep your boundaries? Yes, you are important. We all share worth in the eyes of our Creator. We need to set for ourselves boundaries because we do hold worth. And, as we set boundaries, we just may find reduced anxiety and increased confidence.
